frown upside down

I am taking care of my parent’s house and dogs while they are out of town. It’s the least I can do considering everything everyone always has to do for me. Today, I was sitting on their back patio with the 4 dogs lying all around me and I decided to love my body. I was in a Ralph Lauren bikini, rolls, scars and cellulite showing and I thought to myself, “Why have I always hated how I look?” It’s been like that since I was little. I was never the pretty little girl; I was just the obnoxious little sister of a genius.

I have spent more than TWO DECADES looking in the mirror and hating who I saw. Even if I was absolutely flawless, at the time I wasn’t happy with how I looked. I look back at photos now and think to myself “HOLY JESUS! I WAS GORGEOUS.” But I never can look in the mirror and say the same thing.

My mom cant either. Isn’t that powerful to think that a mother has the ability to indirectly influence how her daughter feels about herself without even ever saying negative commentary? My mom is so beautiful. Seriously, she is gorgeous and yet, she, much like myself cannot think she is pretty. It’s in engrained so deep into her soul, that if she even uttered a positive comment on her physical appearance she might burst into the flames of hell.

Its almost like it’s a record playing in my head and if I admit aloud that I am pretty I am bragging about myself and that is bad, very bad and the record will come to a complete stop. Why? I have no idea. Society is a weird mix of rules, regulations, stereotypes and simple bullshit. I have hated how I look for too long and now that my body is honestly a broken pile of bones, fat and cells that don’t work right, I can look at my body and say, “For how much you suck, you do look good.” I do. I don’t look sick. That’s great, and that’s terrible. I can go into a dr office and the doctor be so overwhelmed with how good I look they don’t believe the reality that I live.

I just needed to get that out on paper that, moms, aunties, grandmothers, teachers, anyone can influence how a young girl looks at herself and it isn’t even words that can hurt her. The way you feel about yourself if written across your forehead to kids. They can look at you and immediately know you and are not afraid to be blunt.

My PCAs daughter, who is quite big for her age, came over the other day and I was asleep in bed. I woke up and was walking down the hall in my undies and she saw my butt…my big, ginormous, j-lo booty. She told me it doesn’t fit in with the rest of me because the rest is so skinny. I laughed hard. It did however hit a nerve. I gain ALL my weight in my hips. Thankfully this is attractive to others while to me; all I see is its dimples.

Kids know things. She was waiting for me to make a statement about how horrible I hate it, but I didn’t. I kept on pushing. Why? Because we must be better as a society and be body positive. We need to focus on things inside our heads and minds and erase hatred of others and ourselves.

I have a big butt, yes. I’ve decided it helps me everyday because I sit in my wheelchair or in my recliner more comfortably. Ha ha. Today, I ask you to spin everything in a positive way. Make every negative positive. Life is too short to hate yourself…

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