adios PICC hello PORT

I tried to walk yesterday. My legs are like jello but are painfully stiff. I made it about a quarter of a block before I got completely messed up. I made it home, with josh having to run and get the car…but I made it.

Every time I complain about my medical situation I need to just shut up…because EVERYTIME I complain, I get worse. Hard to imagine that possibility huh? YEP. My PICC line got a blood clot. Ive been told my entire life that I bruise and bleed easity and that my blood doesn’t properly clot…

Ive had SO many incidents where I just cant stop bleeding, and then, bam my body decides it wants to get a blood clot. CRAZY to me. I sat in the hospital almost laughing, saying “I don’t even know myself anymore.” Ha. Who would have ever imagined I would get a blood clot…NOT me that’s for sure.

THEN, they put me on blood thinners for the clot….and I get massive bleeding in my chest and a giant hematoma that hurts and burns more than one can even imagine. The thing is, the strongest medicine I can take is Tylenol, and even that now is a giant NOPE.

I have been in so much pain the last 2 weeks it is insane. I have had to take the one medicine I can take, Xanax, just to get through the days. The hematoma and blood clot has made me completely immobile. Ive had to lay cometely flat until yesterday. It hurt too much when I sat up and lord save me if I tried to stand.

So, yesterday I tried to walk the block. I failed. It was more of a mental disappointment than anything. Sure I couldn’t breathe and I had bad chest pain, my legs felt like they weighed 500lbs….but at 34 years old, I was officially too sick to walk a block.

Mobility is always an issue for me, but at least I used to be able to make the block, sit and come back. Yesterday, I had to sit in 3 snow banks just so I didn’t die. I couldnt breathe. My chest was on fire. My legs wouldn’t hold me.

I have officially stayed out of the hospital now for a week…I need to stay away from that place. I hate it there.

I feel so alone. I feel like no one knows what it is like to be me, well, minus my disease buddy. I just cant explain how hard it is mentally to keep going when all your body wants to do is give in and give up.

Today, I am going to a funeral…at least I am going to try. Will I succeed? I am not sure. My wheelchair is my friend, but I cannot move it myself and Josh tends to forget to push me. LOL.

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