treading water

It hard when they don’t know how to fix you. I guess I wish it were simple and that life was just easy peasy, but its not. It’s hard and we die. That’s all we know really. So, I am fighting each day to try not to do the latter. It’s a struggle for real. I am so tired and I want to just give up but I can’t. I need to keep pushing on and fighting for the sake of medical research, for myself, for my family…but, holy moly I just want to crawl into a ball, cry and admit defeat. I am so tired. Today I am at the big giant medical complex and the university seeing my specialist…I am going to basically beg to be fixed somehow, any way…I need something. I need to not feel like I’m dying. That’s how I can explain it feels. I have zero energy and I just constantly feel like I am slowly progressively losing life out of my body.

I am ok with the idea of death, seriously, not to be morbid or depressed sounding, the thing is, the way I’ve felt the last 2 months is enough to drive anyone off the deep end, but yet, here I am swimming in the shallow end and treading water, making it…

Thank God I can swim.

Honestly the thing is, I don’t want to be in the water anymore. I just want to get fixed. I am so weak! I am mentally weak, physically weak, emotionally weak…I’m just am TIRED.

Ok, so I think that’s enough complaining. It helps for me to write this out and get it into existence, it helps me deal somehow. I get so overwhelmed sometimes and no one really understands what I am feeling minus the select few who are battling the same things as I. (I feel like complaining directly to them is rude, because they know how much it sucks, they don’t need to be reminded.)

So, alas, I am sitting here in this waiting room ready to get on my knees and beg both God and my Dr for some sort of help, some sort of fix, anything.

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