Saturday I was at low point. I couldn’t see the value in me continuing on in life and I was sick and tired of the fight of being so damn sick and tired. I had lost hope, strength and was emotionally incredibly weak. It was horrible.
At the same time that I was laying in my bed in tears asking the Lord to just let me die, someone close to me was indeed dying.
I met Sabrina in 2006 and she quickly became a regular in my classroom, not only in my Spanish class but also during lunch hour, mornings and after school. She was always smiling, even when she was mad about something she would smile amidst cursing someone out to me. We would complain together about the world, and continued to do that well into her adulthood.
As I moved and continued on with life I never lost contact with her and in the last 5 years we became very close again. She was ill and searching for answers and I too am ill (spoiler alert? Ha) She would call me in tears saying she couldn’t deal with it any more and we would talk it all through, about how much life being this sick sucks and how we wish we were healthy. We would joke about our weight, relationships and I helped her through the social security process, which by the way is a bitch.
Saturday night as I was laying in bed wishing to die, she was fighting for her life after a severe stroke. She died this morning. June 9, 2016. Her fight is over and I will forever miss those phone calls, snap chats, text messages and over all attitude she had. Today I got on my knees and prayed for an hour and 20 minutes. I spoke to her and to Mike (who died from cancer earlier this year, who’s birthday happens to be today) and I got goose bumps. A feeling of calm came over me and my tears stopped.
I truly believe she is up there in heaven and during my prayer she was with me. I think she through that time of reflection she told me I am ok, she is ok, and it will all be ok. I can keep fighting. That time I spent on my knees, praying I came to the conclusion that its not that I won’t get texts, calls or snapchats anymore, it’s just that now, she will be there anytime I need her, I don’t even need technology. She is up there sending down her love, toughness and spirit, she is empowering me to keep living and trying my hardest to fight against this shit we deal with.
No body ever tells you that as a teacher you will meet people who become life long friends, the same people who accidentally call you mom, who run into your room crying over some boy or bad grade, the people that you will forever call “kids.” These young people turned adults are in my heart forever and through my illness I have gotten the chance to stay in their lives for a decade. I have gotten to see them grow, build families, succeed, fail…and then do it again. To me, that is happiness, that is what I need to remember when I am feeling useless and alone.
I may not have saved the world yet, but I am still here and each day I am alive I am closer to the moment in which I do. Sabrina, mi hija, te amo. I love you. You were so loved.