the struggle was real.

Saturday night and yesterday were the toughest days of my life. I couldn’t be positive about my situation and everything just felt so damn hopeless. I tried hard to lean onto Josh and instead of helping he made it all much worse. He of course didn’t mean to, but it happened and what resulted was me being in an incredibly dark place mentally.

Usually I can find my way out of the dark thoughts that sometimes enter my mind, but yesterday it was impossible. I really had convinced myself everyone would be better off if I just wasn’t around anymore. I was ready to go into a nursing home and let myself die. My fight was just not there. (Side note: the level of care I need daily means that I should be in a nursing home but thankfully to Joshua and my amazing doc I am still in my own home with modification and a lot of assistance.)

Yesterday it just seemed all so damn over whelming that I couldn’t handle anything. Everything was just the worst, I still feel completely like a useless human but at least today I can see purpose in my life where as yesterday I didn’t. People don’t understand what it is like emotionally to have the flu 24/7 for 5 years. That’s been my life. I feel like I have the flu continuously. My body aches down through the bones, my stomach is always angry and I am exhausted, since 2011. I’ve have a hard time maintaining this smile. I just want one or two days where I can feel like a normal human being because I am forgetting what that would even feel like.

I can’t imagine getting out of bed and not feeling lightheaded and sharp pain with that first sit up of the day. I can’t imagine eating whatever I wanted, I can’t even really remember what it would be like to drive myself to the mall, walk around, shop, eat lunch and come home. When others are stressed they can smoke or drink. I can’t do either and I also can’t stress eat. I’ve got nothing. The only thing I am left with is this aspartame in my diet soda that I can still drink without major issue. LOL

I think I would pay big money to be able to go and get drunk. Funniest part, I didn’t really drink when I could! Now, I just want a release from it all, I think getting piss face drunk would do the trick. Just once, but nope, all I get is the constant feeling that I’m hungover without actually consuming a single beverage.

My point is this: many of us are strong people but even the strongest need someone in life to be there when we emotionally cant handle it all anymore. When shit hits the fan mentally, we need someone to fall back on, keep us propped up and get us back standing…Be that person for someone.