tough cookie

Being chronically ill is the hardest thing I think anybody can go through. I wake up every day praying for a miracle and praying that when I step out of bed I'll be cured, but it's not a reality. Usually I can hold my head high and find all the positives in my life and combat any sort of sadness that I'm feeling. Lately, it's impossible. In the wintertime my system can't deal with life. I pass out more and this winter with the C. Diff and colitis- I am a mess. I feel like Josh deserve so much more than I offer him. He deserves a woman vibrant, fun and healthy... someone who can go out with him and keep up with him and instead he stuck with this piece of crap who lays in bed. it's not that I want to be in bed trust me I want to LIVE. i'm not living- I'm simply surviving. This morning I woke up on the floor and it was unable to move my arms or legs for about 20 minutes- I laid there hoping this was my demise. How sad is that? I've seen every doctor and every specialist and they can tell me what I have but they can't fix it. I know that God is using me to fight this big battle and it's a battle much larger than who I am. I know that there's millions of people like me suffering through each day and I know that I am lucky because I have so many people that love me. My question is do they love me or do they love the old me hoping that someday I can be back to that person? For the last three years my man has been by my side through everything and he deserves a woman he can travel with and giggle and laugh and love- and I can't do any of those things right now. I am trapped in this body that refuses to cooperate, THIS body that no matter what I do continues to get worse. I want to be the old ELLE the one who is crazy and spontaneous and carefree. But sadly nowadays a trip to target leaves me in bed for two days. It's hard somedays. I think I have to finally admit that I'm a smidge depressed in life and that's the one thing that I've fought off for so long. I can be happy and positive and I try really hard but every day my body sucks. So what do I do? I don't know. I blog. Positive note, my wrist is finally better enough to type again. It had to of been a ganglion cyst. Thankfully the fluid reabsorbed itself and the pain has decreased. So I'm biking right now and today I'm biking for hope. I'm biking for my future. I'm biking because Mayo Clinic says keeping my legs toned will help my heart. I just want to be the woman I used to be.

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