I was supposed to go out last night to celebrate Josh's cousins girlfriends birthday. I was so excited all morning!! in my recliner I thought about what outfit I would wear, what shoes I would wear, even what jacket. Then I went when I did my physical therapy in the basement and behold crash. I passed out several times in a row which made me feel like complete shit for the rest of the day. My dad was here and Josh was here and they both witnessed The entire debacle. It's so embarrassing when I pass out even if it's just Joshua who sees me. I feel like my body should be able to not do such a stupid thing. I know he loves me and I know he doesn't judge me and I know he knows I can't control it but it's still embarrassing. I then went and took a nap and had it in my mind that I was gonna go out. I needed to go out-I had to go out. So 7 PM comes around- about time to get ready and I asked Josh if the club was wheelchair friendly. I knew there was no way that I would be able to go walk and stand let alone dance.
Unfortunately it was not wheelchair friendly at all so I had to stay home. I did not get put on my dress I did not put on my boots so I did not put make up on or do my hair. Instead I laid in my bed and watched reruns of criminal minds and law and order cuddling my big black lab. Instead of getting sweaty from dancing I got sweaty from my heated blanket.
I was crushed and my emotions went wild. I sat in the bathtub for a while and had a little bit of a cry. And then I realize I needed to put my big girl panties on and realize that I indeed do not control my body and suck it up.
Joshua went out- looked fabulous had an adorable outfit on and I stayed home. I feel like this is how it always is. It hurts so much when he leaves but I know that he has to go have a life outside this house because he deserves to be happy and if he were to stay with me all the time he would be unhappy. But it still is painful.
This morning I woke up been before I got out of bed I said a long prayer. I prayed that even though my body is completely out of my control- my emotions need to be under my control. I prayed to God that he would give me the strength to keep trucking and the strength to understand that for whatever reason I go through this is destiny. I prayed that I wouldn't question Gods plan and that I would work more on staying positive.
So this morning I'm downstairs again pedaling peddling my heart out literally. All I want is for my body to work better for whatever reason- God has other plans for me.
My days in the club may be over. All I want to do today is successfully go grocery shopping. If I can handle that then I will consider the weekend A win. We're also out of graham crackers so it's pretty desperate over here.
So yeah pedal I'm still praying. In my early years even in my late 20s I would've never claimed to be a spiritual person. I don't go to church Every week, but I know that my God is with me all day and all night every day. I honestly feel that my spirituality is stronger than most people who sit in a church three days week. I understand that life for the most part is out of my control...but dammit I will try my best to remain positive.