I have so many things I want to do today, but I sit here. I grew up constantly being told that you can rest when you’re dead. Meaning, my parents always had us doing things and if we were being lazy, it was naughty. My brother used to yell and taunt me by saying “you don’t pick, ya don’t play” meaning if I didn’t pick up and clean up I didn’t get to go play outside.”
Flash forward to my adult life, I always had at least 2 jobs, I was a full-time teacher and then always had a second job, now that I am disabled and sick, I constantly feel guilt for just sitting still. It’s a battle because I NEED TO SIT DOWN ALL THE TIME.
My parents nowadays tell me to chill out a million times a day when they see me, and try to make me just rest, but it is ingrained in my brain to keep doing something. It’s my hardest mental battle everyday.
I try to find things I can do while seated. I am doing some baby angels for people who have lost children and also am trying to re-stain and varnish the bottom cupboards in the kitchen. The issue is that the paints give me a major headache and make my eyes swell and burn.
Post surgery I am still a bit of a mess. I will spare the details but simply say; at this point I would almost welcome a colostomy bag. Life has its ups and downs and I guess the downs are what we will call my thirties. I have two doctor appts next week in which I hope they can figure out what the heck is wrong. I feel like I can express what I think is wrong, shit, I know my body well enough, but I hope that these doctors are intelligent.
My main doctor is leaving. He and the university of Minnesota have split ways. He hasn’t announced where he is going but has said he will not be close enough to prescribe my chemo. GREAT. This leaves me forced to find a doctor who will and who is open to thinking outside the box. I also need someone who is incredibly intelligent and keeps up to date with medical research. I am medical research. LOL.
I still have a high fever, headache and feel like crap, but hopefully each day I will get better. I am waiting. It’s been 2 weeks since I got stung by those yellow jackets!! My body is so weird. This is how it responds to the venom. Dumb. Super Dumb.
I'm going through it but I will persevere and win dammit. Its gorgeous outside right now and I am sitting here in a fetal position because my abdomen is ridiculous, eyes burn and head hurts. Life as Elle is intense.