Life is something...

June 20, 2017

If someone were to ask me to teach a class on illness and disability, I have no idea where I would start.   I wish there was a class, a textbook, anything that prepares someone for this life. This is an intense journey.  Some days are easy to navigate through while others seem impossible. 

If I made the curriculum, I would begin the class speaking about finding self-love and understanding of whom you are and who you are becoming. It would have to be a full semester long class as there is a lot to cover and the information is overwhelming. I would end with a long unit on relationships as I think they are the hardest part of what we, chronically ill people go through. 

            I always look for the positive in every situation but sometimes it is just too difficult. I have been through hell and I am still here, withstanding the storm. I feel like I’ve been through so damn much, so has everyone on team Elle. It’s intense. My life is exhausting, plain and simple it’s sometimes incredibly fucking depressing. Everyday I am battling something and whether its something new or the same old bullshit, I am here…fighting and some days I feel like I am losing the battle.

            I want to click my heels and make everything ok.  I want to be healthy and normal and do normal people things.  I want to be able to stand up without pain and blacking out.  I want to be able to walk my dogs without having to worry that I will end up face planting on the asphalt or going into anaphylaxis.  I am trying so damn hard.  ALL I want is NORMALCY.  Unless a miracle occurs, I will NEVER live a life like those I wish to be.

            Yep, I compare myself to everyone I see, everyone on social media, who I know only post the best of their lives, but still…I want those moments, even the bad ones, the normal bad moments.  I wish I had damn good health. I don’t.  So today, I am REFUSING to compare my life to anyone.  Sometimes my life blows, I know it, you know it, everyone does, but, I am worthwhile and I do offer society SO MANY THINGS.

            What I post on social media, my blog, everywhere is my reality.  I don’t sugar coat anything nor do I embellish.  My life is here for everyone to see and learn from.  If I can have one person on this earth read or see something and for a moment in time let them find a spark of light, then my life IS worthwhile.

            Pain. Nausea. The inability to do so many things everyone else does naturally…it’s my life but, someday I hope and pray it is not.


Are my posts depressing and sad?  Sure.  I share my reality. If you don’t want REAL reality, then watch TV or something instead of reading what I write. I do what I can and that in which I can’t, I always attempt but fail.

            Everyday I work my ass off trying to get to the point in which I can walk around the store without issues, go in public alone, and I do constant research on how I can self improve and fix myself.

            Like I said, the class would begin with self-love and understanding…




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