Surgery worry wart

I slept 4 hours last night. Typical for a night before surgery but I guess this time, I am a little nervous and it’ll be TWO nights of no sleeping. I am worried. I always get a little anxiety before operations but this one is just so unknown. Will it be laparoscopic? Will I end up having to be cut wide open?

Surgeon won’t know what he faces and how bad it is before he gets in there and sees how bad it is. He said during our last pre-op apt last week that he will make sure to get extra sleep Monday night. Great. As soon as we got in the car josh said, “Well, at least he wont be going out on a bender and get crazy drunk the night before.” I laughed. I keep laughing at that comment each time I think about it.

Ever since the mesh installation a few years ago, I have been miserable abdominally…well and whole body too but we can’t quite tie those together yet. I was almost wondering silently if I needed the mesh out and then yesterday I had one of those horrible, painful, swollen tummy days and it renewed my confidence in this operation.

So, like I said, yes, I am scared out of my mind. I’ve met with every doctor that imaginable that will be included on my little team of humans working on me. I was so worried about having my surgery at Maple Grove hospital because I have never had anything there and its not exactly know for being a trauma center nor a research hospital so I was…well, apprehensive.

The anesthesiologist met with, who has to go through all my history and medications and try to figure out the best combo of meds during surgery that wont make me die, or have any sort of allergic reaction. She was taking notes and asked me who was going to be doing the surgery and where. I told her maple grove and she gushed about how wonderful that hospital is, so that made me breathe a little THEN when I said who was doing it, she stopped and smiled. She said HE is the one who has doe her surgeries!

I needed that. God gave me that…I truly believe. I always get a little nervous but with all that has happened in the last 6 months, I just feel like I need to make sure everything is in order in my life and in preparation for my life after this one. I went up north and saw my grandparents, I saw Joshua’s momma yesterday and I am hoping to later tonight go see my other grandmother who is my world.

I will be spending tonight and a few days after hospital with my parents, as they are my main medical team. God knew exactly who he needed to give me to as a baby…they keep me alive. They are medically trained and dammit they understand the physical aspects of my disease and complications. I just wish they would understand the mental ones.

This surgery is intense but aside from a whole lot of healing should be a typical recovery. We wont know until I wake up. So that’s all I know in life today. I woke up before the sun…I will keep myself extra busy allll day and then tonight, I will lay in bed and stare at the ceiling until its time and they transfer me onto that freezing cold operating table.

I pray that after this mesh is removed I will be able to do so many things normally and that the pain and swelling will be gone. I pray that it is the mesh that is giving me constant mast cell reactions and that with its removal I will be Elle 2.0. We wont know until we know. Love you all!!