My surgery is in less than a month and I am getting nervous. Side note, as I sat down to write just now my mom asked me what I am doing, I replied “blogging”, and she said “you’re kinda crabby to blog, its going to be filled with anger” and I replied “That’s the best time for me to blog. Have you ever read my blog?” She said, “No I don’t do Facebook.” I laughed and said “mom, its not just on Facebook, its on my website.” And she goes “oh, yeah whatever, no.” HA! Ok, so I guess I know now mom is not a faithful reader. Whatever.
Like I was saying, surgery is in less than a month and I am nervous. Perhaps it’s more than I am so anxious for it to be over and see if I am better. I am excited. I am hopeful. I am in need so badly of something to go right that if it doesn’t fix SOMETHING I am going to go into a severe mental state and I already know it.
I am already teetering on a mental breakdown; I need something, anything to finally go right to give me hope for my future. I have worked endlessly for the last two months. I am stronger than I have been in years. I currently can dress myself, almost completely bathe myself, and I can eat food. This is huge. The issue? I still cannot do anything without supervision. I still pass out. I still go anaphylactic. I still am in so much pain 24 hours a day that I want to often saw off limbs and punch my gut.
When I am in pain I become a bitch. Truth. Problem is, I am in so much pain constantly that I think I’ve just gradually morphed into a horrible human. Mom hates it. Hubby cant stand it and if I don’t get better I don’t foresee him sticking around. I need to get better.
I am on a pain patch! I take Tylenol, hot baths, Epsom salt, oils, everything possible…THIS DISEASE SUCKS.
Horrid pain in my abdomen that I’ve had so long it’s just become me.
The worst pain? The pain I see it everyone’s eyes when they look at me.
Its so hard yall. This road is not made for the weak and through JESUS I am strong enough to keep on pushing through day to day….but today, while I am crabby and bitchy because of the extreme pain I have I want everyone to know, its still me in here. Underneath the silent woman who only grumbles and gruff, is me. Elle. The same Elle I was before I got so sick. The same Elle that was wild, carefree and fun.
I miss that Elle, trust me, I can see in every ones eyes that they do too. All I want is to be her again, but can I be? Ever? This experience has changed me so much that I don’t know if I can ever be the woman I was before. I am hopeful that I will get a chance to see.
I just want to feel better. I want to not only be stronger but I want the pain, fatigue and all my issues to just go away and leave me.
I watched the new beauty and the beast and I couldn’t help but relate to the beast. I am much like him. This spell (illness) has left me cranky gruff and intense. I look a mess, feel even worse and it has messed with my whole life…so how can I reverse the spell? How can I get better?! How can I get back to being a human? The surgery is a first step…but it won’t cure my disease…It won’t fix everything…
Sometimes I get so upset with the surgeon who put this mesh into my body. The mesh I am allergic to…the mesh he installed incorrectly…the mesh that has given me so much pain and intense suffering for the last 2+ years…Taking it out wont cure my disease but it should quell the horrid internal allergic reaction I am having to it. We shall see…but yes, I am not happy with that doctor, doesn’t matter, I am sure he is somewhere with his wife golfing or riding a yacht in the sea.