Strong yet still so weak.

April 19, 2017

 

My surgery is in less than a month and I am getting nervous.  Side note, as I sat down to write just now my mom asked me what I am doing, I replied “blogging”, and she said “you’re kinda crabby to blog, its going to be filled with anger” and I replied “That’s the best time for me to blog.  Have you ever read my blog?” She said, “No I don’t do Facebook.”  I laughed and said “mom, its not just on Facebook, its on my website.” And she goes “oh, yeah whatever, no.” HA!  Ok, so I guess I know now mom is not a faithful reader.  Whatever.

 

Like I was saying, surgery is in less than a month and I am nervous.  Perhaps it’s more than I am so anxious for it to be over and see if I am better.  I am excited.  I am hopeful.  I am in need so badly of something to go right that if it doesn’t fix SOMETHING I am going to go into a severe mental state and I already know it. 

 

I am already teetering on a mental breakdown; I need something, anything to finally go right to give me hope for my future.  I have worked endlessly for the last two months.  I am stronger than I have been in years.  I currently can dress myself, almost completely bathe myself, and I can eat food.  This is huge.  The issue?  I still cannot do anything without supervision.  I still pass out.  I still go anaphylactic.  I still am in so much pain 24 hours a day that I want to often saw off limbs and punch my gut. 

 

When I am in pain I become a bitch.  Truth.  Problem is, I am in so much pain constantly that I think I’ve just gradually morphed into a horrible human.  Mom hates it.  Hubby cant stand it and if I don’t get better I don’t foresee him sticking around. I need to get better.

 

I am on a pain patch!  I take Tylenol, hot baths, Epsom salt, oils, everything possible…THIS DISEASE SUCKS.

Bone pain.

Joint Pain.

Muscular pain.

Nerve Pain.

Intestinal pain.

Horrid pain in my abdomen that I’ve had so long it’s just become me.

The worst pain?  The pain I see it everyone’s eyes when they look at me.

 

Its so hard yall.  This road is not made for the weak and through JESUS I am strong enough to keep on pushing through day to day….but today, while I am crabby and bitchy because of the extreme pain I have I want everyone to know, its still me in here.  Underneath the silent woman who only grumbles and gruff, is me. Elle.  The same Elle I was before I got so sick.  The same Elle that was wild, carefree and fun.

 

I miss that Elle, trust me, I can see in every ones eyes that they do too.  All I want is to be her again, but can I be?  Ever?  This experience has changed me so much that I don’t know if I can ever be the woman I was before.  I am hopeful that I will get a chance to see. 

I just want to feel better.  I want to not only be stronger but I want the pain, fatigue and all my issues to just go away and leave me. 

 

I watched the new beauty and the beast and I couldn’t help but relate to the beast. I am much like him. This spell (illness) has left me cranky gruff and intense.  I look a mess, feel even worse and it has messed with my whole life…so how can I reverse the spell?  How can I get better?! How can I get back to being a human?  The surgery is a first step…but it won’t cure my disease…It won’t fix everything…

 

Sometimes I get so upset with the surgeon who put this mesh into my body.  The mesh I am allergic to…the mesh he installed incorrectly…the mesh that has given me so much pain and intense suffering for the last 2+ years…Taking it out wont cure my disease but it should quell the horrid internal allergic reaction I am having to it.  We shall see…but yes, I am not happy with that doctor, doesn’t matter, I am sure he is somewhere with his wife golfing or riding a yacht in the sea. 

 

 

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