I’ve never been a huge fan of change. I mean life change. I don’t do well with it. Maybe I am slightly autistic, I don’t know, whatever it is; I like things to remain the same. I like my routines to stay the same; I like life to be predictable and controlled.
When I was younger I was wild and spontaneous. I didn’t think ahead, I didn’t plan; I had zero order and organization in my life. I was a free spirit, wandering, blowing in the wind. Then I got sick. As I got sicker and sicker, my need for control in life grew. In college I would do assignments and papers the day they were assigned instead of waiting the 2 weeks until they were due. When I was teaching I was incredibly organized and I planned months in advance, yet adjusted my lesson plans every morning to suit each student’s need. I though of everything, every scenario, and had a plan.
My house is USUALLY always clean, if it isn’t I am anxious, and I cant sit still. I know where almost everything is in the house (although since we moved, I didn’t pack boxes so its been a bit difficult for me to remain sane…) I can pull out an important paper or document anytime, and although my meds don’t always appear in order, they are.
I don’t deal well with uncontrolled change. I think it is because I literally have ZERO control over my own body. I try hard to make my body act the way I want it to, but it’s useless. I try to do everything to make myself better, to get healthy and yet each time I turn around I am sicker. Mentally, this is so difficult for me. I want my life to be normal. I want to be the person I thought I was going to be, even the person I wanted to be a year ago…Illness is insane. It’s a mental, physical, spiritual battle daily.
I feel like I am sitting in the slow lane of traffic while everyone in life races by me. I feel like I am sitting in my car, watching the traffic speed by but my car is in park and wont move. I see everyone around me doing all the things I wish so badly I could do. I try so very very hard not to feel sorry for myself but sometimes, it’s just too much.
People don’t understand my illness and I know they mean well, but it hurts txt, very few call or me that no one visits. The one person I can count on is the same person that has been by my side since birth. My Grandma. I love that woman more than almost any other person EVER. She has helped shape me into the person I am and I am so grateful for her because I feel like I am a good human being at my core. She taught me to be strong. She taught me so much, and still does. I talk to her at least 2x a week, usually 3, and we chat for hours.
I’ve called her every week since I could dial the phone. I look back and wonder what the heck she could find to talk about with a young kid on the phone so much and so long…but she did…and it made me feel special. She aside from my own mother was my first best friend. We’ve done so much together. I love her.
But, I am sitting in park and her car is going 80mph. She is moving into assisted living because she needs extra assistance and cant manage alone anymore. It makes sense, she is almost 84…but in my heart she’s 55. I promised her a million times growing up shed never have to live in a nursing home…
I remember telling her when I was 7 that I was going to marry a rich man and live in a mansion and grandma could have her own bedroom and I would take care of her when she got too old…
Yet, here I am. I can’t even care for myself on my own. It’s devastating to me mentally. I feel selfish saying that her big life change is hard for me. I know it’s more difficult for her, but I just wish I were healthy so that I could care for her. She is so special to me; I can’t even attempt to put it into words. She’s my Grammy…she’s always been so supportive of everything I do…she’s been my stable, unchanging influence since birth…
I have so many wonderful hilarious stories of our escapades together…and for some reason until yesterday I kept telling myself mentally that once I get better we would have many more. Truth is, we wont.
I know everyone and every family has to deal with stuff like this and the world continues spinning on its axis no problem…but, for me, I am overwhelmed. I need everyone else on the freeway of life to stop so I can catch up. I need to be healthy. I want to be able to visit Grammy and laugh together… I can barely leave my house to go to the Dr let alone go anywhere social. I still haven’t met one of my best friends new baby…ugh.
I need to catch up to the world…but I cant. I am so ill. I try to downplay it, and say I am ok, but I am not. I am sick. I am really sick. To admit that is tough. Life hands us all lemons and usually I can turn them into nice lemonade but this week has been too much. My lemons have rotted before I could do anything…
I will be ok. Life will be ok. Everything will be ok…somehow. Happy Halloween, today my costume is the same as every other day, I am dressed up as a woman who has her shit together. Ha.