Life is a crazy thing. I suppose when God was in the planning stages of this whole earth and creation thing he thought about different scenarios and how to problem solve expected issues.. I am not sure…all I know is somewhere He missed a few things. I joke. I am just saying, why does there have to be illness? My mom would blame Eve and that damn apple, I just think its part of a master plan by God. I have to believe that this was His plan all along and that His idea was that struggle would make us stronger and that each of us needed a test of some sort while on earth. My test happens to currently be my health.
I am typing this blog post from my little infusion room at the University of Minnesota Masonic Cancer Clinic. I have an IV pumping and soon will get some meds that will either make me feel much better or send me into anaphylaxsis. Sadly there isn’t really any middle ground. I will say that I have gotten this med once before and it went fine, it takes 6 months of treatments every 4 weeks to see if it will help my disease process….so I am being patient. It did however make me incredibly tired last time I got it.
Its hard for me to know if I am tired from the medication or tired from life. I suspect it’s the medication as after I got it last time I slept for about 3 days straight. Life, its crazy isn’t it. I wonder in my head if it was God who invented different medicines and if so, then why didn’t he prevent illness from happening in the first place?? I will never know, all I know is I continue to fight like mad to keep living….
I got back in the swimming pool the other day after almost 2 years of being out. It feels so good to be in the water. It is the only time when I feel human because the water puts enough pressure on my entire body so that my brain gets enough oxygen. I can think clearly, I can move in the water and I feel like I have real life flowig through my veins. Then I get out of the pool and I ve said it a million times, Its truly as if I can feel the blood flowing out of my feet as I climb out. Its like a drain at my heels opens up and all my blood flows out and I cannot think, see or hear. I damn near pass out every time. Ive decided I have to stop being so ridiculously stubborn and just bring my walker or wheelchair with me all the way to the side of the pool. If I don’t its risking death. If I pass out and fall into the water, Im screwed.
Otherwise life is what it is. I have no giant changes to report, which I guess is a good thing.
I hate when people ask me what I do all day to fill my time since im disabled and don’t work. I always reply with the same, “a lot of doctor appointments.” The truth is I have about 2 doctor appointments a week and the rest of the days are spent recovering from those and or from doing nnormal human tasks. It takes me a day to recover from going to the grocery store, a day to recover from each dr and then if I do try to do something fun (go shopping, visit family ect) it takes me a day to recover from that. BAM week filled. So, I spend a lot of time laying like a pile of mush in bed and on the couch.
If you do ever see me out and about know that it has taken every ounce of energy and planning to get me there. If you see me socializing, which is rare, just know that it will take me at least 2 days to recover from the event. MY body is crazy. So, what do I do to fill my days of not having a job? Recooperate from life.