In Life ive learned that you cannot worry about everything. Life is what it is and will happen with or without you on board. I could spend countless hours worrying about my health, safety and other things but I choose not to. I choose to live in the present and make the most out of every situation possible.
To me when I say “I am more than my illness” that is exactly what that means. I am more than losing sleep worrying about the future and what might or might not be. I used to lay awake crying about the fact that I will never have children. I did this for years. Now I know, God works in His own way and that what is meant to be will be.
I am not meant to do many things and that is ok. I focus on what I can do so the things I cannot do seem meaningless. One day at a time, one decision at a time. That’s life.
Do I always make the best chocies? NO. I, me, myself, am the one who then has to deal with life because of that. I have a great head on my shoulders and thank the Lord that the poor choices I do make seemingly do not alter my life corse…but some people, theirs do. Ive never done anything to be incarcerated and I cant imagine doing anything that would, however I empathize for people who are.
One bad choice can follow your life forever. The choice to shoot someone after honking their horn is the example I am pulling from the news today. A man shot a woman 4x becaue she had honked her horn at him. How ridiculous is that? One choice, his to shoot, hers to honk, altered their lives forever.
I can admit to living a sheltered life. I am not a princess and I do not deny the bad in the world, I do however chose to stay away from it. I have been in the worst neighborhoods, dealing with some of the biggest criminals, and what IVe learned is that everyone is human, everyone deserves love and most of all, it is free will, and the ability to choose and make choices that separate us all.
I didn’t chose the sick life. I didn’t chose to be so ill for so long, but I do chose how I react to it. I am promising myself right now that I will stop honking my horn at myself for being ill. When I get mad or upset about my situation I am only hurting myself.
Just because I am sick does not mean I do not deserve happiness. I am just as worthy as the next person who works their butt off at a 9-5 job. I think that’s been the hardest thing about being disabled and so sick, I feel like I am a burden on everyone and that I do not deserve to be happy. I DO deserve it dammit, just as much as the next guy.
I may never get better but from today forward, I am promising myself that the choices I make will be to remind myself that I am worthy of love and happiness no matter if I can walk, talk or eat.