I wish I could do more...

Painsomnia is a real bitch. I used to be able to wake up and take some pain meds and eventually fall back asleep…not so much anymore. I can’t take meds…so grrr, I’ve been awake since 4am. It’s ok…gave me time to think to myself about a lot of things. (As if I don’t have enough time alone to do that during the day??! HA HA)

Yesterday when my county social worker came by (they do a periodic check to make sure I am not being abused is my assumption) She was new and asked me a bunch of questions getting to know me. She asked me about my highest level of education and I almost cried. LOL

I am a baby. I know. But when I get to talking about how much of a life I used to have sometimes it is an overwhelming feeling. Sometimes the things that I have done in my past seem like they happened to a whole other person, not Elle. Its almost like when I speak about the past I’m reciting the plot to a movie, not my real life. Maybe that’s a sign of some mental disorder, but really, the things I have done are intense. 15lb tumor, teaching, modeling…its all insane.

I was telling her how I had randomly moved to Memphis, how I am incredibly overly educated for my current situation and how much I miss the interaction I had with students everyday. She said she could tell my passion just from how I spoke about it. Its true. I miss it majorly.

Teaching is one of those jobs that damn near kills you, you hate it, you love it, you’re exhausted at the end of every day…and I think that’s how you know you’re doing it right. If you are a teacher and come home with a bunch of extra energy I think you’re not giving it your all and honestly, I think that might be a sign you suck at your job. I think teachers are supposed to be dedicated to their students the same way a pastor is dedicated to Christ.

When I stopped teaching I was burned out. I had been chewed up and spit out by the system and I was so sick I didn’t have the energy to stand back up. Literally. LOL. I think this is what is sad about the U.S. I was a teacher with so much passion and dedication to each and EVERY single one of my students and it was seen as a bad thing by authority. I was never appreciated for my intense efforts by anyone in power and that is too bad. I gave it 110% every single day no matter if I was dying or my organs hanging out.

So this morning as I laid there in intense painsomnia I saw a news article about one of my old students. He was arrested for a list of ridiculousness, the kind of crap that makes you literally say out loud “Holy F*CK.” I laid there thinking about how many hours I invested into each of the kids that walked through my classroom doors, some many more than others…and yet, I didn’t change the outcome enough. I didn’t make a big enough impact. This lone white woman didn’t change a damn thing.

I need to start a revolution. I need people to open their eyes and see that helping others is so much better for the world than tearing each other down. I want to promote positivity and progress, I want people to know that All lives matter but that right now BLACK lives are the ones that are in need of support, care and promotion…. but, I cant from my couch.

All I can do is pray for the world, my friends, my family and also for my doctors. I pray they can find a cure for me so that someday I can go back and make a difference and give 100% of my effort each day to the betterment of society instead of giving 100% to simply take a bath.

Everyone makes bad choices. Everyone sins. No one is perfect. I lay here wishing that I could snap my fingers and go back 10 years and try even harder with every single student to get them to see that life is a GIFT and that we must make the most out of each day and raise our children in the most positive, productive society possible. Its crazy to think I’ve taught more than 5,000 students in my life and I can give you a story, test result or project description from every single one…

Like I said, Painsomnia is a bitch. So, I guess I’ll just get up.

#blacklivesmatter #teachers #chronicallyill #mastcelldisease #MCAS #MCAD #POTS

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