Man, being sick sucks sometimes. Ok, all the time. Usually I can make the most out of what I am given but today I am just in a slump. I hate that I am completely dependent upon others. I hate that I can’t just jump in the car and get the finishing pieces I need for my brothers birthday present. I hate that I can’t hop on a plane by myself for the weekend and surprise my bro and his family. I am not “normal” and it really bothers me.
Joshua’s aunt is going to start taking some of my PCA hours so that Josh can get a break sometimes and so that someone is with me when he is not here. She should start next week, which left yesterday open and me alone. Due to my anaphylaxis and loss of consciousness continually my mom was worried. I get it. I am like a moving time bomb. She called her mom (who is 83!) to come over and take care of me. YES, my grandmother and her husband are in better shape than I am and he is darn near 90. That’s a hard pill to swallow so to speak.
I go to the dr this afternoon, my mast cell specialist. I am going to have what one would call a “coming to Jesus” meeting with them. I can’t keep on like this. I am exhausted. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m like dude, at this point if I could get some energy from snorting coke, I might. OK, NO. Never, BUT I am at a point where I need some change. I need to feel better. I usually keep on trucking forward, but my truck stalled. I am just mentally weak and done with this illness.
God and I talk several times a day and I know that I am living this life for a reason, but I need more strength to continue the fight. My voice is still one for the most part. I have moments when it is audible but not often. This is a pic of my vocal cords and shows how they don’t touch like they are supposed to when speaking. Gross I know.