Dear Self,

February 23, 2016

 

Dear Self,

 

I want to tell you it will be ok and that life will get better.  I want to go for a walk and hold your hand and say that every thing will improve. I want to laugh with you about all the insanity that life has handed you, but I can’t. I can’t because I don’t know for sure that what you have endured is truly at some point going to stop.  I cannot say whether or not life will get easier, less messy and just plain simpler.  HOWEVER, I can tell you that you have life and that you must embrace it.

 

The old you was a mess long before illness struck.  I guess one can say you never really knew a life without illness as your diseases are genetic, but as a kid, you didn’t suffer.  Through all the casts, crutches and illnesses you were tough.  If I’m being honest though, you were a brat. You had no clue what life was outside of your happy family in your suburban, stable, safe home.

 

You had two loving parents that made sure you were always protected no matter how sickly or injured you were.  You were showered with love from every direction and life was handed to you with rose glasses and on a silver spoon.  As a child, before you knew true illness, you had everything, but you gave nothing.

 

You wanted so badly to be perfect in every way, which was just simply not possible.  You thought too much of yourself, and only of yourself. You tried hard in school, had the coolest friends and stayed with the latest trends. You never needed or wanted anything because life around you was amazing.  You didn’t see the chaos, you didn’t see illness, you didn’t know how alive you were.  Your biggest issue was whether you were precieved as fat or not, or if your shirt made you look chubby.

 

In college you were intensely dedicated.  Your body was giving up but your mind was going a thousand miles an hour.  You were exposed to different cultures, absorbed them and had a true thirst for knowledge. You finally saw the world outside of yourself. You excelled. You were beautiful, a published model, who was learning who she was in this world.  Determindated isn’t a strong enough word for how you drove through.

 

You worked 40+ hours a week, coached sports, went to graduate school full time and tried to live a social life, simutanrously.  You saw what needed fixing in this world, and you wanted to make it right. You were dedicated to equal education for all. You pushed so hard for so long…and then…couldn’t.

 

Watching you, it was like as slow wave that happened over the course of 10+ years.  Little by little, every day waking up a little more groggy, a little more fatigued, nauseated and dizzy. Finally one day you just simply couldn’t get up. You couldn’t push harder, you couldn’t stand up, you couldn’t do anything.

 

That’s where I met you, your current self: In a state of complete despair, dependent on everyone around you for your care. Uniquely aware of illness and the pain that accompanies it. It has taken you up until this point to truly see life. But now, you do.

 

Life isn’t about what is fair, just or right.  Life is hard. For everyone.  Everyone has something that they have to deal with.  I want to tell you it is ok, and that the world will survive. That everyone will sort out their issues and the next generation will have a cure for everything. I know you wont lose faith because you are still tough. Reality is not rose colored nor is it handed to you on a silver spoon. 

 

I hope you can look at your current situation and make the most out of it.  It is not that God is unfair and has handed more problems to you, and He definitely has not abandoned you. Your problems are different than your neighbors but none less difficult. You must remember that a mole hill to you might be a mountain for them. You have fought many battles and you will continue to win.

 

Just please, self, know that it is ok to press the pause button and lay down.  It is ok to say stop and even the use the word “NO.” Perfection does not exist. Everyone is flawed. You were going a million miles an hour in life, pushing through seeing nothing around you, GOD made your world stop. It is for you to figure out what it is that needs to be seen.

 

SO- I want to tell you it will be ok and that life will get better and I want to walk and hold your hand and say that every thing will improve. I want to laugh with you about all the insanity that life has handed you, but I cant, and that is ok.

 

Go rest,

 

Yourself

 

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