my grass IS green DAMMIT!

February 4, 2016

Sometimes in my head I find myself at a pity party, doing shots of tequila, dancing on a table.  I get so upset sometimes that this is the life I was given that I lose focus of all the good I have around me and how many people have it so much worse.

            I am so lucky to have diseases that in themselves shouldn’t kill me. The complications from the diseases are what are deadly.  Anaphylaxis, falling and hitting my head, brain bleeds, etc. are my biggest worries.  My illness shouldn’t take my life as long as I am careful and follow every dr instruction and protocols and take my meds.

            Life is not fair and if you ever need an example look around yourself.  Someone else always has it better than you do, but also there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse.  Their struggle might not be outward and the person who you think has it so much better in life than you might actually be the one who has it worse.  That’s the thing about life; no one really knows what another’s is like.

            A friend from elementary school is dying of cancer.  He has a young son and a beautiful wife. He is in intense pain AND has about the same quality of life as I do.  I was jealous of him.  Not for his cancer, no, but because he has the perfect family, and that he gets to have a son.  His struggle makes mine look like a walk in the park and yet, sometimes I still look at his grass and think its greener than mine.

            That’s when I am 6 shot in at a self pity party and I need a big giant wake up, pull my big girl panties on and shut the eff up ELLE. I am alive.  Each time I “cheat” death I get to come back.  I wake back up from being unconscious, the epi pens save me and make me breathe, and my pain is manageable.  My grass is green dammit. Not only do I need to realize my grass is green but that it is growing and needs mowing.

            My life is not the life I thought it would be, but it is a life and it is much better than millions, so today, I am going to bathe and exfoliate all my dead skin down the drain and with those skin cells I hope my negative attitude I’ve been carrying around this week vanishes too.

            I might be sick, I might not be living like everyone else, but I am ALIVE and I need to be more thankful for that.  So, with that being said, I am going to go bathe and mow my grass, in a completely non-dirty way. 

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