I hate going to bed at night. It takes me all day to begin to feel human and then by 6pm, when I am finally feeling somewhat conscious, I am so exhausted I have to go to bed. It’s a vicious cycle. I get anxiety over what will meet me when I wake in the morning. I never know how my body is going to act.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning eyes inflated shut, hives on my swollen red face, unable to even sit up without passing out. Most mornings getting my tasks done are impossible; I simply cannot physically even make it to my chair to eat whatever I have for breakfast. Some mornings I don’t even eat because my body decides it wont process, swallow or agree with whatever I actually get in my mouth.
So when I lay in bed at night, please know it isn’t because I want to be there. I want to be LIVING for the day because it takes my body so long to actually warm up to the idea of homeostasis, but I cant. I’m too physically drained from having survived the morning and afternoon.
I am not complaining, I am just trying to explain to everyone why I am not out for dinners, parties, cocktails and happy hours. I am literally at the point in life where I am simply surviving day to day and right now I need to be ok with that because its better than the alternative.
I’m sorry I am not out being social and able to participate in life. Please know you’re more than welcome to come over to my house anytime between the hours of noon and 3.