June 26, 2016

WHY CANT ER EVER DO SHIT?!

Hard few days.

Fell and went kaboom UP the stairs and although I passed out and fell upwards, I still ended up at the bottom…I don’t bounce. Pain. Lots of Pain. I have felt like death (not even just saying that, I literally feel completely worn out and that any of my breaths could be the last) the past few weeks and drs have NOT helped which is killing me more. I am so sad inside that there isn’t even something to make me temporarily feel better.

So because of the stairs incident and me not being able to keep a steady blood pressure (it goes from 80/50 to 198/92 without reason) I went to ER yesterday. HA. They made sure my brain wasn’t bleeding and that my neck wasn’t broken...

June 24, 2016

It hard when they don’t know how to fix you.  I guess I wish it were simple and that life was just easy peasy, but its not.  It’s hard and we die.  That’s all we know really.  So, I am fighting each day to try not to do the latter.  It’s a struggle for real.  I am so tired and I want to just give up but I can’t.  I need to keep pushing on and fighting for the sake of medical research, for myself, for my family…but, holy moly I just want to crawl into a ball, cry and admit defeat.  I am so tired.  Today I am at the big giant medical complex and the university seeing my specialist…I am going to basically beg to be fixed somehow, any way…I need something.  I need to not feel like I’m dying.  That’s ho...

June 20, 2016

Some days I can barely sit up. I wish I knew what a normal body felt like so I could explain to others what it feels like…to me it feels simply like the blood has drained out of my body and left me a lump of a human.  I can feel my heart beating hard and fast to try to keep me upright, but, alas, I fail.  The harder I push myself the worse it gets, I get nauseated, hearing or eye sight goes out and then I usually wake up on the floor.  Sometimes I get what I call the oxygen shakes where my body shakes and collapses. That’s always fun.  (Sarcasm.)  SO- Today I am laying here on the couch, using my power wheelchair to get back and forth to the bathroom, with a helmet on because, yes, you can indeed p...

June 16, 2016

Every day I am blessed to have a man who is not only my best friend but also my caregiver.  What does that mean?  It means that he is here 24/7 present in my life, worrying, thinking and trying to figure out how to make me better.  It means that even if he is not standing in front of me he is still “on the clock” thinking about me and worrying about my safety.  It means that he is the one who helps make hard decisions and often times has the weight of the world on his shoulders.  It means that he has to not only save my life but also actually like being around me at the same time.  It means he never gets a break.

            I love him because he is the ying to my yang.  He...

June 14, 2016

I am just one woman.  I am just one feeble woman who is determined to make a difference in this world.  I am a weak, disabled, and sickly woman who is determined to make a difference in this world that will better society.

Why is this so damn hard?  Is it because I am just one woman? Imagine if all the women got together and became one giant force.  Instead of battering and berating each other what if we worked as a team to get things done positively in our world?

Every time I read something it is always a woman against another woman.  It’s a religion against another religion.  It’s one gang against the other.  When does it end? When will we all open our eyes and realize that this life is s...

After a decade of friendship and mentoring I believe that Second Timothy explains the way in which I will forever think of mi hija, Sabrina,

“Timothy 2:2 …And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others.”

As a student, Sabrina was ideal. She required very little external motivation from me as a teacher, she paid attention, was always willing to help her peers, and she had the personality that made me happy to come to my job. This ability to find strength within herself and to strive for greatness continued on as I accompanied her battling a disease that leaves the normal...

June 13, 2016

How do you handle complete total realization that you’re not a real adult? I wanted so badly to go to the funeral this weekend in Memphis, I wanted to celebrate Sabrina’s life with her loved ones. I want to see all my babies that I invested 3 YEARS of my life in and their babies! I want to be normal. I want to be able to fly alone, stay in a hotel, rent a car and drive myself around… BUT, I CAN’T and THAT SUCKS.

My problem isn’t only my physical “handicappedness”, it’s that I literally cannot be left alone. Someone has to be with me basically 24/7 helping me do everything. THAT BLOWS.

Josh already has plans, its his birthday weekend and he is headed out of town, he deserves a break…he gets to fly alo...

June 9, 2016

Saturday I was at low point. I couldn’t see the value in me continuing on in life and I was sick and tired of the fight of being so damn sick and tired. I had lost hope, strength and was emotionally incredibly weak. It was horrible.

At the same time that I was laying in my bed in tears asking the Lord to just let me die, someone close to me was indeed dying. I met Sabrina in 2006 and she quickly became a regular in my classroom, not only in my Spanish class but also during lunch hour, mornings and after school. She was always smiling, even when she was mad about something she would smile amidst cursing someone out to me. We would complain together about the world, and continued to do that well into...

June 6, 2016

      Saturday night and yesterday were the toughest days of my life. I couldn’t be positive about my situation and everything just felt so damn hopeless.  I tried hard to lean onto Josh and instead of helping he made it all much worse.  He of course didn’t mean to, but it happened and what resulted was me being in an incredibly dark place mentally. 

     Usually I can find my way out of the dark thoughts that sometimes enter my mind, but yesterday it was impossible.  I really had convinced myself everyone would be better off if I just wasn’t around anymore.  I was ready to go into a nursing home and let myself die.  My fight was just not there.  (Side note: the level of car...

June 1, 2016

Pain is something I deal with regularly but since the reaction to the medication, my pain is at a steady whole new level of hellish. My primary care doctor is wonderful.  He is incredibly intelligent and thinks outside the box.  I have been with him now for darn near a decade and he is always researching and looking things up and trying to help me maintain some sort of regular life.

 

I went to see him today, like usual I had a list of things ready to discuss, because sadly when you’re chronically ill you have more than one issue each time you go to the doctor…even though I saw him last week.

 

I’m blogging about this today because I am surprised at the world.  So in today’s society everyone is so...

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