November 30, 2014

I was supposed to go out last night to celebrate Josh's cousins girlfriends birthday. I was so excited all morning!! in my recliner I thought about what outfit I would wear, what shoes I would wear, even what jacket. Then I went when I did my physical therapy in the basement and behold crash. I passed out several times in a row which made me feel like complete shit for the rest of the day. My dad was here and Josh was here and they both witnessed The entire debacle. It's so embarrassing when I pass out even if it's just Joshua who sees me. I feel like my body should be able to not do such a stupid thing. I know he loves me and I know he doesn't judge me and I know he knows I can't control it but it...

November 27, 2014

November 27, 2014

I am finally over my sadness.  I spent monday in the ER, sick with teh weirdest headache ever.  it felt like a lightening bolt was going through the right side of my head.  It was horrible.  They did an MRI and gave me meds and told me I was not going to I left. LOL.  I came home and slept for 14 hours....Josh even tried to wake me up but I was completely dead to the world...Needless to say when I woke up my headache was gone.  Thank GOD!


Today is thanksgiving and so I have compiled a list:


Today I am so grateful for many things....

1. I am grateful that I live in the USA where I am able to voice my opinion.
2. For the good police, fire, and EMS that let m...

November 23, 2014

Its been over 6 weeks since I had the ischemic colitis, and the Cdiff, so WHY DOES IT STILL HURT? is this life?  Must I just accept that this is how my body is supposed to feel?  I do not want to think that.


Pain is a crazy thing.  It can make you go insane. mix that with passing out and feeling exhausted all day long I am at my breaking point.


I know I shouldnt complain.  I am alive. I dont have cancer. I am loved.  BUT DAMMIT somedays i realize, MY LIFE SUCKS.


Ill shake it off. I always do, but yesterday I was basically on the floor or in my recliner all Im wheeling around, frustrated.  Its life. I am happy to be alive....

November 21, 2014

November 21, 2014

Today my nephew turned three months old. I've seen him twice.

I can't drive.

Trying hard not to place blame but I'm pretty upset.

It's hard and hurt my feelings.


I understand everybody's busy.


But the fact that I feel sometimes like I  don't even exist- it's pretty hard.

Handling that and other emotions today.



November 20, 2014

I'm sitting here writing my bike and I am fatigued. Oh my gosh I don't know if I can keep peddling but I keep making it round by round. Joshua is at the auction right now looking for our new vehicle. I'm so tired oh my gosh I just want to crawl back in bed. I have physical therapy for my hip at 2:30 today so unfortunately I need to stay awake. I woke up battling a terrible migraine took some anti-inflammatory medicine and it got better. I was desperate. Other than that there's not a whole lot going on in the world today. Thankfully it's supposed to get warmer outside because it is been a frozen tundra of hell this last week. Ugh.

I need to move away from here. If only josh and my family didn't liv...

November 19, 2014

I spent the morning at the immunologist.  That was exciting.  Honestly though the Dr. had a lot of interesting things to say and insight into my blood test records.  She took about 16 viles of blood and ordered a bunch more tests so next appointment I will have answers I hope.  She explained it really well to me in terms of what the immune system does, and basically what mine does not do.


She analogized that the immune system is like the foundation of a house, if the foundation is no good then the windows and doors cannot open and shut properly, and as we can see via my issues, my windows and doors are not working properly. LOL.   I would love to sit and type more to yall but my...

November 16, 2014

I had a real rough three days. Filled with passing out and laying lifeless in my recliner...usually with a 70lb black lab on top of me and my heated blanket. I over did it the last few weeks, I pushed myself too hard and now Im Paying for it. I always tell myself "mind over matter" I push myself through to make my life as normal as possible, I try desperately to be somewhat ok for my Joshua. Well. Crash, burn, bang. I struggle.

Today while peddling my bike I realized I spent more than 8years post secondary education to be an over educated lump of mush In a recliner everyday. That makes me so sad.

I should be living it up, changing the world, making students care about their lives...

But here...

November 13, 2014

Yesterday was a big day around here.


 I was literally moving all day long.  I woke up at 5am, wide awake.  I cleaned the house, polished the floors, even cleaned the upholstery, and made 3 desserts.  By 3pm I had set out 4 different dips, 3 types of chips, 2 types of crackers and sent the dogs across the street.


The doggies hadn’t even settled in across the street by the time the film crew got here.  I was interviewed for about an hour and half.  Everything from my diagnosis story to my hopes and fears was covered.  I laughed and tried to be a happy positive energy but I did of corse cry. 


She asked me what my biggest fear is…and I couldn’t help but say i...

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